Primer: A [Short] History of Communism

We all know that zany social experiment called communism was one of the most tragic and farsical experiences in the annuals of humanity. In the real world Communism is dead.

We should have known communism was doomed when we found out the Soviet Union couldn't even preserve the body of Lenin correctly.

So you can imagine my surprise when, after a few weeks in SecondLife, I learned that the tenants of Communism were alive and well in-world. Like those Imperial Japanese holdouts who continued fighting WWII long after the Emperor threw in the towel, these curious SL inhabitants cling to their defunct ideology. I suppose it should not be too surprising that communism would thrive in SecondLife, because a fake world is the only place communism would have *even a remote* chance of succeeding. Although communistic forces are a small minority of the inhabitants of SecondLife, they have a very vocal presence on the forums.

My main beef with Salamis (my slang for SL Communist - as in 'salami') is that they have their heads up their asses when it comes to economics. Everyone in the free world knows that to survive in this world you must go out and produce more than you consume. If you don't, you starve. Life's a bitch, Deal With It.

Jamie Bergman, Capitalist Hero

Communists, however, have a problem with this law of nature. You see, a communist believes that everyone should be given things according to their needs and produce according to their ability. Sounds great in theory. But lets face it, people are assholes. If everybody knows this is the name of the game, everyone acts like the proverbial retard. Thus, everybody has a great amount of needs, but a low ability to produce.

This was always the downfall of communistic societies. Everyone produced way less than they consumed. So how did the communistic nations support this imbalance? Slave labor, mostly. Joe Stalin (Supreme Ruler of Russia 1933 - 1953) realized that Russia sucked. Mama Stalin: "Ooooh! Just wait till your father gets home - He's gonna send your ass to the gulag for another 7 years for this stunt!"

In order to modernize it, he found convenient scapegoats and factions of society that he didn't like and cast them as traitors. Russian citizens, long used to heavy handed father figures and injustice, gladly went along with Papa Joe as he hauled millions of their fellow contrymen off to the gulags. Hey, they didn't want to be the ones going to Siberia - and who could blame them? They were perfectly happy to be living it up in the mid-20th century harvesting their crops by hand and shitting in their outhouses.

While an alarming portion of the population slaved away in labor camps, this freed the rest of the nation to pretend to work. Ambitious 5 year plans were drawn up. Unrealistic production goals and scientific achievements were mandated. And after the defeat of Germany, the Soviet Union realized that it needed to continue to stockpile weapons to prevent against further aggression from the imperalistic aims of the United States.

Eventually, as all scams do, the entire system collapsed. Even more embarrasing was that the Soviet military - long feared by the West - turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of tin cans shoddily welded together.

Soviet Armored Division (circa 1991)

What can we learn from this failed experiement in social engineering? The main lesson is that when you deprive people of the ability to directly improve their lives they become less interested in work. Hey, if you get paid the same amount as everybody else it doesn't matter if you shovel 1 ton of coal or 50 tons, does it?

While it would be nice if we could all just work together for the common good of all humanity its pretty damn obvious we can't. We're selfish.

Therefore, Capitalism is not only the moral choice... its the only choice.

Capitalism at its Finest... Drink it up, Bitches.